a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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