It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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