Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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