remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
