Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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