he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You have to summon your inner elephant
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
