recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
