My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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