She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
