burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
