What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
