i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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