i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
