In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
