did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
