If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
