i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
