I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
did i just pee glitter
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
