K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
