oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
