Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
