dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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