I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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