No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
