i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
