he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
