Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
