We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
