he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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