i think my tv is drunk
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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