I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
