My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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