If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
