my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize