Don't make out with my wife yet
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
