do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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