If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
