You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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