There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
