Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
