there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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