she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
