He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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