So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
