Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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