I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
