I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
