I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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