I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I die, sorry about rent.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
