i barfeds in our rink
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
