but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
