Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
