What a fucking waste of an outfit
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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