my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
