Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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