Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
