If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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