im about as happy as oj after his trial
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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