Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
