The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
