My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
As shirtless as possible
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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